make it go away

when the divorce is final
when debts are settled
when the last court appearance
can be done over the phone
so you are not subjected to
his loathsome person
his hateful eyes
his loud growling voice
and even though you got
nothing from the settlement
except your own attorney bills
and the shirt on your back
be grateful
you at least got out
with your life
cause it just as easily
could have gone that way
and now
the ink has dried
and tomorrow is a new day
but how can you erase
'it' from your memory
i know i know
time and alcohol
and don't even try to
placate yourself with
remembering only the good times
just make it all go away
cheers
and make it a double.

luck

as you walk through the casino
your eyes scanning
you stop
listen
and decide from the slot machine
cacophony
that 'that' machine
is 'the one'
the one that will turn your luck
from poor to rich
raining coins from it's
loose slots mouth
your optimism palpable
later i find you
at the bar with a cold beer
and not much else to show
for this week's paycheck
'hey' you say
'there's still next week'
and wink and smile.

i like listening to motown

particularly when i'm sitting at the computer
at work
and the warm afternoon makes me lazy
and the glare of the computer screen
makes my eyes tired
quietly blasting the speakers
in my direction
trying to keep it from rolling
down the hallway
to other worker offices
i bob my head in time
to the beat of al green
dianna ross
and my forever favorite
barry white
and i dance while sitting down
it makes me feel like
i'm cool
sometimes i even
snap my fingers
yeah i'm old school.

the weekend

the weekend---for ‘shooter’

drove back to the rez
with just enough gas
to get there and back
my lover lent me money
so my checks would stop bouncing
and we painted in rose and cream
the freshly mudded sheetrock
of the bedroom my daughter
accidentally burnt down
the only radio station being 80’s rock
i haven’t heard those songs
since college
all the while ‘his’ name
kept popping into my head
freshly suicided the day before
and i wonder why
and how life gets so bad
that a seemingly passionate about life
person loads the shotgun
and grand funk railroad plays
and cream from disraeli gears
led zeppelin you know the ilk
the sun pours through the windows
i add a little rum to the coke
clean the brushes and trays
drive back to the city
his name keeps popping in
the gas gauge is almost empty
and his name keeps popping in.

jeramiah

3rd day of spring
snow flurries and whipping wind
i see a mama pushing a stroller
barefoot baby no hat no gloves
i circle the block and park
go looking for this mama
and say 'where's your baby's socks?
where's your baby's shoes?'
she says 'you don't know me'
i say 'i don't but i'm a gramma of
a 1 year old and a 2 year old and a momma of others'
and this isn't right
and take off my gloves and put them
on his feet
he's not fussing or crying
he's just accepting the freezing
'what's his name?'
'jeramiah' how old? one.
i say come with me and she does
i go to my car where i have my
baby car seat and rummage among
the toys to find a hat and blanket
and snackie foods and a toy
she says bless you and goes off
i run up to my apartment find socks
find a warm coat and run back down
but she's gone
i drive around looking for her
all gone
i stand on my balcony looking
over the city blocks
nothing
"jeramiah!!!!!'
nothing
jeramiah may you find warmth
in the cold
coolness in desert heat
and food for your tiny belly
give your momma strength
to make a life beyond homeless.

trying to shake sad

trying to shake sad

a dreary cold monday morning
first 2 emails
high school girlfriend dead
medical care and severe depression
was all that was mentioned
so I wonder if she suicided
never married no kids
and at the last few high school
reunions when I saw her after many
year of not seeing her
I thought she looked anorexic
cause she looked so tiny
'our' group is now in their 50's
too early to be dying

2nd email about a
fellow burner that I do not know
in a motorcycle accident in India
her last email home said
how crazy the driver's in india were
and how she's learning to drive
a motorcycle but not to worry
she's playing it safe and always
wears a helmet
a bike in front of her wiped out
and she swerved to avoid
but ended up with a handlebar
thru her visor into her head
her boyfriend was following and
began cpr despite blood in mouth
ears nose for a half hour
before german tourists stopped
frantic boyfriend trying to understand
the indian doctors
lots of blood loss she in a coma
hooked up to a breathing machine
her mom flew in wants her back in
the states for better care
her boyfriend updates blog
so everybody knows what's going on
somebody snagged her an indigent bed at stanford medical
friends in san francisco having FUNraisers
cause that's the way she'd want it
trying to raise funds for a air ambulance
that cost $150,000
the dj hosted shake yur booty party
plus other donations have raised $5,000
so they begin to pray more fervently
for her for an air ambulance for a good outcome

and this all sinks me down to sadness
as I recall my hospital bedside waits while
my son was hooked up to everything
but at least he was conscious and alive
and I knew he had most brain function
the coma thing is scary
reminds me of the other kid down the hall
jarrod same 18 year old age as my kid
jarrod bonked his head in a truck accident
and was in a coma
10 years later...he still is
I know cause whenever I pass through
that small town of gerlach on my way to
burningman I stop at bruno's bar
and ask the bartender
'how's jarrod doing?' cause jarrod's family
was from gerlach but has moved away
'the same' is what he always says
one day I want him to tell me 'he woke up
and smiled'
you read about those kind of stories
sometimes

yet I still feel like crying
about jarrod, about my son
about the burner girl
and about my high school girlfriend
who was severely depressed
I'm so sad that she was so depressed
I remember her best as smiling and having a
caring and sweet disposition
and wishing life could have always stayed
that innocent
our silly little high school life
when all we worried about was our hairstyle
or clothes
and that we laughed a lot
at least that's how I remember it
and I'm going to keep it that way.

braking for pigeons

in these trying times
when all the news seems bad
when son-in -law loses his job
along with 3 million others
when co-worker loses house
to foreclosure
all the headlines come
to roost

when nevada's stats
for elders show
twice the national average
in suicide
smoking
and heavy alcohol use
could cause a
non-smoker to light one up
down a shot
and think of ways out
of this life

the car next to me
slows to a stop
as a pigeon struts in
that lane and then
crosses to mine
i do not slow
as he takes wing
knowing full well how
to negotiate downtown
traffic
i am amused at the driver
expecting an exciteable
teenage girl
or old peta member
instead see
a middle-aged hispanic man
a toothpick clenched in his teeth
no doubt freeing a
chunk of meat wedged
in his cuspids
and i laugh
cause now
more than ever
laughing is important.